Ah, a post I don’t have to include pictures, do any certain title formatting, put my retrochick image in, answer questions, link to anyone, anything. And I might just write a million words in this post and abuse commas and swear like a sailor, to boot. Just because I can. How I have missed that.
I wish I could say that I’m sitting cozied up by a fire with a laptop, enjoying music, or just plain reveling in silence. But I’m not- my kids are running around all crazy and I’m really just killing time until their bedtimes. I could be a good mom and go play with them or something, but I’m not going to. I’m just enjoying a rare, semi-quite moment in which I actually feel like talking about myself. Not the forced cheery shit I write on other sites, but just really belt out pieces of me left and right. I used to do this all the time, but have had to become very guarded, not just for my image, but because I’ve been horribly sad and depressed and I just don’t feel like talking about me.
Anyway, what I really wanted to write was this: I’ve been reading my grandma’s diary (you can read more about that at loveshakbaby.com. sorry, no link, I’m too fucking lazy to do so.) and I’m struck by how my mom was so lucky to grow up with family all over the place. She had aunts and uncles and cousins all living really close. And then she had some out of state relatives, which they visited and the relatives came and visited them. They were a close family and they hung out a lot.
I never really had that. I was born in Muncie, Indiana where the family all was from, but we moved from there when I was 12 years old and didn’t really stay close with anyone other than my grandmother and now, my Uncle Richard. We all live in the same town but as for family living close by, that’s it.
And we haven’t really stayed much in touch with the out of town relatives except UJ and my cousin Stephanie. I guess I feel bad that my kids won’t have that kind of cousins-aunts-uncles relationship, but hell, my mom grew up with that and my dad *really* grew up with that. And they didn’t seem to want it.
I’ve really become a reclusive sort of person. When I go out, I’m my full-bore fun personality, but it seems I only have so much of that and have to use it really sparingly. Meh. I guess I wish I had more family around, but I have a lot of friends who serve that function.
Anyway, I’m rambling.
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April 4, 2008 at 8:07 pm
No. You are being real. I really adore you. Get this crap out. I love when you write this the real stuff. It’s wonderful.
Sending you much love, my dear. Thinking of you always,
me.
April 4, 2008 at 8:34 pm
It’s good to let it all out…some of us have problems with letting their feelings out. I know you were close to your granny and I know you are missing her much. Maybe you to have a day away from everyone and go to a day spa and get pampered…..
April 4, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Can I say something honest? I confide more in you than I do my own sister, though I dearly love her. So you’re like a sister to me… let’s be family! There you go. Hugs!
April 5, 2008 at 8:24 am
More beer and SSRIs!
Yes, I do have all the answers.
.
April 5, 2008 at 11:16 am
There are pros and cons to family being so close. When the cons get to be too overwhelming for me, I have to focus really hard on the pros. I really believe that “family” can be anyone we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with. A good portion of my life was lived in the middle of Texas with no “real” family (other that dad, mom & sister) in sight. But neighbors and church members and others we met along the way all became a sort of family for us. There were times when one of the other of my parents would get sick and we always had a plethora of people stepping in and caring for my sister and I, bringing food, feeding the dog, etc.
I say all that just to remind you that, I think your kids won’t miss what they don’t know. If that makes any sense. And there’s no reason for you to feel guilty about not providing it for them when it wasn’t your choice to move far away from family.
You’re a good mom! Your kids are going to grow up knowing they were loved and cared for. And that’s what really matters.
April 5, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Friends are even better than family in some ways…at least you know for sure they are hanging out with you because they want to.
April 6, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I was a military brat and I married a military man. I never had a lot of relatives around to depend on. I never had a lot of close friends either.
April 10, 2008 at 4:25 pm
me and the sistah are planning a bloggers girls night out. All the booze you can swallow (hehehe). I’ll keep ya updated!
May 15, 2008 at 3:27 pm
The more I get to know you, the more I realize how similar we are. Thanks for being there today. =)
June 2, 2008 at 8:36 pm
dropping in and saying hi!
June 19, 2008 at 6:09 am
Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation
Anyway … nice blog to visit.
cheers, Repercussion.
June 25, 2008 at 10:23 am
Today I have decided to start online stalking Ivy. I can do that again since we’ve moved back to the same state. How’s everyone doing? Cool blog babe!
September 22, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Whoa, this is from April! Are you still blogging, Ivy?
-supermousey
October 6, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I totally understand where you’re coming from.
April 3, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Hi Ivy! We met at Blissdom very briefly.
I grew up around all my extended family and I miss that. My husband didn’t grow up around any family, and I can really tell the difference it makes in how you value those relationships.