Right after a person dies there is a flurry of activity, preparing for a funeral and all the rituals that happen after a person dies. And then you mourn, and then you don’t, and you think things are getting better, and they do. But then you get hit with the most random things.
You pick up the pieces and go on with your life. But then you have to go and clean out the bits of that person’s life and you get hit with the grief all over again. We’ve put it off for a long time, but we have been cleaning out Grandma’s storage. She’s had this shit in storage for 15 years- books, junk, papers, more junk.
A little family history- my grandma was from Villa Grove, Illinois and her sister moved to Muncie, Indiana for whatever reason. When Grandma’s sister gave birth to her baby, my grandma went out to Muncie and stayed the summer. There, she met my grandfather. She went back to Villa Grove, but they wrote back and forth for over a year, and then they got married and she moved to Muncie.
My mom always asked her for those letters, but she claimed she burned them. While going through the stuff, we found the letters he wrote her. Mom hasn’t decided if she will let me read the letters- I would really like to- although I was 12 when my grandpa died, by the time I rolled around, she hated my grandpa and I worshipped her, so I hated him too. So, I never had an adult’s perspective and never got to know him. I just thought of him as the asshat that cheated on my grandma and drank and fought with her.
I hope I get to read those letters, I’d like to know the man he was, instead of the man I knew through my grandma-filtered glasses, which were not flattering to him at all.
Instead, I got a diary that covered January 1,1990 through April 24th, 1990. And an envelope that can be best described as an envelope full of crazy- my grandpa cheated on my grandma and she took notes and has all sorts of evidence of it, notes she found in my grandpa’s pockets, lists, every time she saw “the other woman” in public. It’s disturbing, and it’s like a trainwreck- you have to look, even though you know you shouldn’t.
As weird as it may sound, I’m keeping some of the crazy stuff. It’s a reminder of how bitterness can poison your heart and take other people’s hearts with you. It’s a reminder of how when your spouse cheats, you need to either cut them loose or forgive them with your whole heart, because living with the bitterness is Not. A. Good. Thing.
The diary is a whole ‘nother thing, though. Written 2 years after my grandpa died, she was in a fairly happy place in her life and it was interesting. My grandma, like me, was a journaler and wrote journals throughout her life. They’re scattered all over the place, and I don’t think I’ll ever get all of them, but just having this one might be more than enough. She always had a weather report, but also she wrote a few sentences about her day. She could really turn a phrase- “Our roads in this neighborhood are a sea of glass” when writing about the ice storm they had in Muncie.
All this has taught me a fairly valuable lesson- first, get rid of anything crazy I might have written that’s not already on the internet for all to see. I might not have been spared a tranwreck, but I can spare my children when I’m gone from seeing the trainwreck. But I also can see my grandma as more human again, which I had a clear picture of her as a human before she died, she was a good person, she was a bad person, she was wonderfully fun and a delightful person to be around, and a hateful bitch. She was a great friend and a mortal enemy. I loved her more than anything, but understood she was human and had faults.
I think, after she died, I had put her up on a pedestal like she was when I was a little kid. Now, I can remember the good AND the bad, and that makes the hurt a bit easier, and makes my missing her a bit worse.
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[...] Ivy, in one of the most beautiful and honest posts I’ve read in a long time, talks about her grandmother who died a couple of months ago and how [...]
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[...] shares more at her personal blog about dealing with the mementos after the shock of the death, the funeral, and the initial period [...]
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December 3, 2007 at 7:53 am
It takes time to remember the loved ones gone from our lives were human beings with as many flaws as amazing attributes. It mostly balances out.
Remember your grandmother. Love your grandmother in all her odd glory.
December 3, 2007 at 7:54 am
Hugs my friend.
This was inspiring.
December 3, 2007 at 10:27 am
It’s funny, because I wrote the following over at loveshakbaby about grieving the loss of somebody you love to death. Having been cheated on and gone through the resulting divorce, I have found with experience that the same principle applies…
Losing the one you loved because they have betrayed you also is a form of grieving. We go through the same denial, anger, sadness, then acceptance as we do in a death. We go through those stages in various orders at various times, and even with acceptance…something can throw you into the cycle again. We are all human, and perhaps your grandma was going through that anger stage of her grieving when she was collecting all of that stuff. I’m sure that she came to acceptance at many points in her life thereafter, because I can tell from all you have told me about her that she was an amazing woman who had that very same strength that I see in you.
eh, all of this to say…grief is a strange thing, and manifests itself in different ways for different people. I always pray for the wisdom and compassion to know when my own actions (or those of others) may be stemming from going through grief.
I’m rambling…just know I love you and I’m sending you virtual hugs right now. xoxoxoxo
December 3, 2007 at 10:53 am
Thanks, guys. Ginger, I am pretty sure the crazy stuff is definitely her anger stage of grief. you can feel the outright anger and hurt that’s there.
December 3, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Wowser! Insightful and powerful! For those we know so well it can be amazing how little we know them at all.
* Hugs * my friend!
Klinde
December 4, 2007 at 3:14 am
Couldn’t imagine how would a better writer of skill would write.
December 4, 2007 at 10:57 am
What a beautiful post! My grandma was also someone I put on a pedestal, but her death has made me think of her in new ways. I miss her terribly, especially because the task has fallen on me to finish her memoir. (I’ve been working through some of this on my blog: Writing Grandma’s Book.)
Anyway, I was thinking that you should write more about your grandma. What a story!
December 4, 2007 at 1:11 pm
I love the part about realizing that your Grandmother was human and putting her on a pedestal. You make a very good point. Sometimes we get caught up in idealizing our loved ones and forget that they are/were just as human as we are.
Sometimes it’s just hard to imagine.
December 4, 2007 at 2:29 pm
My grandparents kept letters they wrote to each other and that we wrote to them over the years and our various travels. Some of those letters included their courtship when he was off in the war.
I know my mom has read the letters from the family to them during our travels. However, she’s not read the “love letters” from he to her during the war and his time serving. She’s not sure if she should or not…she would like to, but would she be violating his privacy?
It’s a difficult question…I have no good answer for you.
December 12, 2007 at 6:40 pm
who wrote this?
December 12, 2007 at 9:53 pm
Me, I wrote this.
December 18, 2007 at 9:59 am
The most precious things are the things that mean nothing to others. They are personal and reflective of the relationships between you and them. How valuable is the seemingly valueless!