3 Things I Haven’t Let Go

October 24, 2007 in enough about me, let's talk about me

It’s been a long time since I’ve been tagged for a meme. Thanks for caring, sadcox! Anyway, here’s how the meme works. You’re supposed to post 3 things you haven’t let go, but probably should. Sadcox posted things he seems to still be pissed about. Not all mine are gonna be things I’m still pissed about because I really don’t stay angry for all that long. Anyway, here we go.

Whether or not people like MCB. Y’all, this is killing me. I’m working my ass off to try to have the site be balanced, to make sure the comments are fairly policed, etc, etc, etc. And people still bitch. Every single day. I comment back to them, “Y’all, I’m doing the best I can!” And they still bitch. Seriously, what the hell. If this was a service everyone was paying for, then I could see the complaints.

But let one single comment go by and all of a sudden, I’m not fair. I’ve been accused of being best buds with Democommie, I’ve been accused of being best buds with #9. While there are aspects of both people that I really dig, I have never met either of them and due to their anonymous nature, probably never will. I’m not taking sides at MCB- ask Ginger, who has had one of her comments deleted by me. Ask my cousin Ron, who also has had a comment deleted by me. If I’d delete one of my best bud’s comments and my own cousin’s comments, does that sound like I’m the type to take sides? I’d delete my own mother’s comment (with relish, ha) if she violated the comment standards.

I think this is  the most I’ve written about anything in weeks. Can you tell it really bothers me? And that’s exactly why I need to let it go. It’s stupid. People are always going to bitch and moan, I just need to run MCB the way I and the other people on the “board” think it should be run. Because, really, if I can run it to please myself, then people should like it anyway. I’m a totally reasonable person.

My fear of “church people”.  Any blogger who has ever seen me at a meet-up can attest that I am not shy. I’m usually running around talking to everyone. I’m pretty self-confident, I recognize this as one of my strengths. So why was it, when I went to the minister’s house on Monday night, I sat and didn’t talk to anyone and had the stupidest answers to questions? Couldn’t think of a thing to say? Was painfully, painfully shy?

I’ll tell you why. Because I am afraid of church people. Now, plenty of bloggers go to church, but that’s okay with me, because I am not meeting them in a church setting. Put a whole bunch of Christians together and I’m terrified.

I can pinpoint exactly where this all started, too.  When I was about 5 or 6 years old, my mom went to a Baptist church. My dad didn’t go to church, because at the time he was either an atheist or agnostic. It was before he had his religious experience, which I must tell you guys about sometime, but now’s not the time. Anyway, Mom made me go to church. I hated it, y’all, because the other little girls were mean to me. They never sat with me. They made fun of my handmade dresses. (Which is a horrible shame because my mom is a wonderful seamstress and made me some really beautiful dresses. But because of these bitchy little girls, I shunned the dresses she made me. I’ll always feel bad about that.)

Anyway, one Sunday before we were to go to church, my grandma (yes, the one who died recently- the other one is an atheist) asked me why I was so grumpy and didn’t want to go to church. I told her it was because the other little girls didn’t want to sit with me. “Well, Ivy, they probably don’t sit with you because you haven’t approached them. Go sit with them, then they’ll sit with you.” I was dubious, but I figured it was worth a try.

So I went into the classroom and they were all sitting together on a pew. I went over and sat beside them. They all got up and moved to another pew. I was mortified. “Oh, Grandma,” I thought. “You were wrong.”

I decided then and there that I would never go to church as soon as I was old enough not to be forced to go. And I didn’t, for a very long time. Recent events have made me believe that it is important for me to go to church, but I still hate it. I am trying really hard to try to make friends within the church, but I have been unable to so far. I need to get over the little Baptist bitches, and just go in there with my usual self and make some friends, but it’s hard, really, really hard. Maybe now that I’ve written it all out, I can do so. But maybe not. It’s hard to say.

Wow, this is getting long. Okay, right on to the third thing.

Smoking. That’s right, bitches, I smoke and there’s nothing you can do about it.  I can’t tell you how many people stumble onto my Stumble Upon profile, which has a picture of me smoking, and they message me and tell me to quit smoking. When people do that, my completely contrary nature makes me want to smoke until my dying day. But really, I know that smoking is not doing me any favors. At all.

Okay, it might be good for one thing. Picture it. It’s about 5 o’clock, too early to start dinner, but the kids are whining. “What’s for dinner?” That usually breaks them out into a fight, and if I’m lucky, Mr. Ivy will start yelling and the dog will start barking and I decide I want to kill someone.

That’s where the smoking comes in handy. I don’t smoke inside my house, so I go outside. If it’s too horribly bad and there’s someone responsible over the age of 12 inside the house, I can hold the door closed and get about 6 minutes of relative peace. Sure, I could do that when I’m not smoking, but a cigarette works as a timer.

Yeah, I’m making excuses. A poor excuse is better than none, right? Ha. It gets harder to breathe every day. The older I get, the worse my lungs are, and that sucks. I need to quit smoking. I have a prescription for Chantix sitting on my desk, but ever since it was written, I’ve been too broke to afford to get it filled. I’ve been saving my money, and I’m about 3/4ths of the way there now. I can do this. I just have to gather up my cojones and  just do it. But it’s hard to let go of, and that’s why it’s on my list.

Now for the tagging. I like

Kat Coble

Kate O

and Kathy T for this meme.  Chosen because these are 3 bitches that can really tell a story, and I’d be interested to see what stuff they can’t let go of.

PS: A pox on WordPress for putting these word count thingies on here. 1234 words? You’re making me self-concious here, WordPress.  (final count: 1243)