I just posted in my apology to Jeffraham that I’m pissed off about a family situation. I am, and I’m at the point that I don’t really know what to do, continue to keep my mouth shut, or cause a lot of family drama.
I have this cousin, I’m going to call her Ashlee (not her real name). She has a kid that is a bit younger than Nate, I’ll call him Blake (also not a real name). Ashlee got pregnant with Blake when she was 19 years old. Now, Ashlee has always been a lot like me, a rabble-rouser, and having a tendency to jump without looking.
When Ashlee was about 3 years old, her dad went into rehab for being an alcoholic, and Ashlee’s mom decided she couldn’t handle being a mom anymore, so she went up to St. Mark’s mother’s house and dropped Ashlee and her older brother off, saying (in front of them!) “Here, you take them, I don’t want them anymore.”
Ashlee was a very good kid despite all this drama, until she got into junior high. One night, Ashlee and her dad (from now on he will be referred to as Our Fearless Leader, which is a family nickname) got into a fight. Ashlee called her mom (who will be referred to as Ashlee’s mom, because I can’t come up with any good nicknames for this woman) and told her that Our Fearless Leader had either been “touching her” or had been beating her. It depends on who tells that story.
I don’t really know what happened. Our Fearless Leader is a bit of an asshole, but I doubt he is a child molestor. Now that Ashlee is an adult, she tells me Our Fearless Leader used to beat the shit out of her- she’s a big liar, but this doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibility to me.
The crux of the matter is, she went to live with her mom at that point, and from that point on has been shuffled back and forth between her mom and Our Fearless Leader, neither of them could control her, and neither of them really seemed to want her.
That’s all quite sad for Ashlee. But now she is an adult and is reponsible for her own actions, and that’s where I’m coming from here. See, Ashlee was living with her mother and Blake, and according to Ashlee, Ashlee’s mom just went crazy one night and threw Ashlee out and “wouldn’t let” Ashlee take Blake with her.
From there, Ashlee’s mom went and got custody of Blake, and that’s where it stands now, with Ashlee not seeing her son very much. I feel like she has abandoned her child, personally, and I think there is no worse sin than abandoning your own child.
So Ashlee calls me yesterday. Here’s a snippet of conversation:
A: So I didn’t get to see Blake yesterday for Thanksgiving.
Me: Man, that really sucks!
A: Yeah, remember how much Mom hated BabyDaddy (Blake’s dad, obviously) before?
Me: Yeah.
A: Yeah, she had Babydaddy and Babydaddy’s pregnant girlfriend over for Thanksgiving yesterday.
::::boggle::::::
Me: So she invited THEM for Thanksgiving but not you?! WTF?!
A: Oh, she invited me for Thanksgiving, but I said I couldn’t go because she and I would just get in a big fight in front of Blake, and that would be bad for Blake.
Me: That sucks.
Y’all, it took every single little tiny bit of self restraint I had to not tell her to GROW THE FUCK UP, her son needs to see his mother!! I’ve never really understood how children can have the shittiest mothers ever and still love them, but they DO, and on holidays (and whenever possible, really) they NEED TO SEE THEIR MOTHER.
I just don’t understand how she can do that, being an abandoned child herself, and then on top of everything else, not even seeing her child on a holiday when she was invited to come over and see him. She can’t have some self restraint and see her own child? I mean, REALLY, what the hell???
Later in the conversation I asked her if she had found her own place yet, and she told me they found a place “with room for a pool table”. No mention of room for her son. It sounds like she’s not even making plans to get her son back and that makes me so incredibly angry.
Now for the asking for advice portion. Should I keep my mouth shut? Should I tell her she is fucking her entire life up and any chance of having a relationship with her son? Is there a nice way to say this so she might listen to me?
I just don’t know, I can’t sit by and watch this happen anymore, it makes me so angry. I was thinking about just telling her I can’t speak to her until she can call and tell me she is making plans to get her son back or at least is seeing him a lot more. I was also thinking about maybe calling Ashlee’s mom and hearing her side of the story, perhaps Blake really *is* better off without Ashlee.
I hope this isn’t tl;dr, because I really want to know: What would you do if you were in my situation?
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November 25, 2006 at 5:52 pm
Hmmm. Difficult, and normally, I’d avoid this issue like the clap. But I’m tryin’ real hard to be the shepherd, Ringo.
You’re concerned, and there’s nothing at all wrong with letting her know you’re concerned. The way you do it will largely determine how she’s likely to respond… make sense?
Now, what I’m about to say will seem manipulative, because it is, truly.
However, weigh this — which will amount to a minor course correction, and your cousin will participate on a wholly voluntary basis, btw — to the alternatives.
Tell her that you want to sit down for a chat, and tell her that you’re feeling stresses in your life, and that you have, lately, been growing more concerned about the course she’s on. Let her know that you want the best for her, and will do whatever you can to empower — not enable — her to that end. So far, so good? See, it has the virtue of being 110% true, doesn’t it?
Then, tell her you’re really looking to help, and ask her what she thinks that help would look like. If she asks for enabling, you defer, make notes… then offer an empowering alternative, if you can see one right away. If not, jot it down, either then or right after you depart this meeting. Tell her you’ll have to think on it (don’t involve others in the family at this stage, at all — IMPORTANT — keep it to “what can Ivy do for Ashlee”).
Wind down by gently suggesting that anything you two can figure out together will really be a load off your mind, because you’re too worried abot too many things. Isn’t that also true? If you can put it this way, without being scornful or judgemental, though, she’s going to want to try to make you feel better, unless she’s got a personality disorder (and we haven’t ruled out anything, just yet, mind you). At any rate, what this does is open a door, and start to lay a more trustful relationship built on positive emotional bonds… something that may freak both of you out at first, but you’ll probably both end up in a better place than you started.
Sorry to be pontificating and syrupy, lording over the manor, so.
But… can it hurt anything to try? Hmmm. Only you will know enough to make that call…
.
November 25, 2006 at 8:04 pm
That is a really hard call. JP had some good advice. That age group tends to be difficult, they pretend they’re listening and hearing you but they really don’t and then ten years later they’ll come around and say they wished they had taken whatever you said seriously. I agree that she is taking a chance on losing anything of value with her son forever if she doesn’t take the reins and spend time on that relationship now, but I’m not sure how to get her to comprehend that in the here and now.
Sort of like how I see my mistake NOW in not finishing college when I was young, but if anyone had told me then how important it was and how adversely it would affect my life later if I didn’t finish then - I would have nodded my head yes and then gone ahead and done what I was gonna do anyway and not paid attention.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with her and she trusts you so I feel like you are the most likely she’ll listen to. I’m just not sure how exactly to get her to see the humongous importance of her actions (or non-actions) now. Definitely shooting straight with her and being honest… some good starts with JP’s thoughts and hopefully some more will weigh in…
November 25, 2006 at 9:06 pm
Jeffraham and Lynn, thanks for the ideas. Coming to her in a non-judgemental manner with concern might be a really good way to go!
November 25, 2006 at 11:06 pm
Ivy — Only one more caveat: PLEASE don’t mention anyone — her child, especially, or any of your kin… anyone! — that she doesn’t bring up, first. If she mentions someone, you can briefly acknowledge that person somewhere in the conversation, but quickly re-focus on what YOU can do to EMPOWER HER. Make it a two-person, exclusionary thang, as much as possible. Always be closing on that.
If you get stuck, ask her for help. Ask her to help you understand, because you’re slow, today. Whatever. Please, help me understand this. Key. Sincerity, too. Once you can fake sincerity, the rest is easy (okay, the last sentence is a quote/joke).
Look for tiny steps in a direction. Avoid overreaching, overdoing, overinsertion.
.
November 26, 2006 at 1:43 am
personally, I think you should have a heart to heart with ashlee. SHe’s being a shitty mother. She needs to know that. Her son NEEDS her!! I will NEVER EVER understand people who let their parents raise their kids. THe kid is probably better off without her…but c’mon…let’s be honest. This kid will grow up blaming himself, and wondering why his mother didn’t love him..and didn’t see him/live with him.It’s sad…but she’s an adult, and she’s determining this role for her and her son. If i were you, I would definately talk to her.